What is Gaslighting, and how does it cause harm?

18 Sept

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of serious emotional and psychological abuse, whereby, over time, one person causes another to doubt their reality - manipulating them to experience self-doubt, and encouraging them to question their feelings, thoughts, memories or perceptions. Chronic gaslighting (gaslighting which is experienced over long periods of time), can cause the survivor to doubt their sanity - with lasting psychological impact, beyond the original period of abuse.

Gaslighting behaviour can include lying, invalidating or dismissing your experience (for example, accusing you of overreacting, being unreasonable or unfair), infidelity, explicit or implicit threats, redirecting blame onto you, or expecting you to read their mind.

How does gaslighting work?

Gaslighting starts very slowly - and subtly, with small incidents that escalate over time. The gaslighter ultimately convinces you to accept their ‘reality’ at the expense of your own, causing cognitive dissonance (the experience of holding two conflicting beliefs simultaneously - your reality, and the skewed “reality” you have been presented with). Usually, when we’re being gaslit, we are completely unaware that it’s happening, having been gradually, and skillfully, drawn into a space of confusion and self-doubt over an extended period of time.

Is gaslighting intentional?

Sometimes gaslighting is part of a conscious strategy of abuse, other times, it may be an unconscious action. People who gaslight cannot accept the disparity between their own perception of events, and your perception; this is usually rooted in the gaslighter’s reluctance to view themselves negatively. So if your experience of the gaslighter is too challenging of their self-concept, they create an alternative reality, which they often fully believe themselves, as a kind of defense mechanism.

Protecting the gaslighter

Although we can understand where a person’s gaslighting behaviour may come from, this never excuses the behaviour - intention does not excuse abuse. However, the experience of being gaslit conditions you to prioritise the gaslighter’s needs, and version of events, over your own reality. If you have experienced chronic gaslighting you may feel very protective towards your gaslighter (particularly if you’re still in the relationship) - making excuses and allowances - such as “they had a bad childhood”, or “they’re really stressed right now”, and prioritising empathy towards the gaslighter, rather than recognising the impact the abuse is having on you. If you are being gaslit, you will likely believe that you are the problem. It’s easy to explain away abusive behaviour when you can see that person’s past traumas. When you’ve been gaslit and conditioned to prioritise the abuser’s reality above your own, it becomes second nature to feel self-doubt, and completely dismiss your own experience. In this situation, therapy becomes an important space for both truths to exist simultaneously. You may feel empathy for your gaslighter, while working towards attuning to the impact of your experience of them.

Identifying gaslighting

A simple way to identify gaslighting behaviour is the acronym DARVO, which was coined by American psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Deny

The gaslighter denies that they did anything wrong. They may insist that the incident never happened, or try to minimise it.

Attack

The gaslighter undermines your credibility, motives or character. They may surface a past event to deflect attention onto something they perceive as a wrong-doing on your part, or they may accuse you of lying, having a “motive”, or of being overly-sensitive.

Reverse Victim and Offender

The gaslighter reverses roles - claiming to be the victim, and presents you as the perpetrator. They may also try to convince others that they are being unfairly accused, or that you are punishing them. They make you feel as though you are the problem.

Gaslighting can present in many ways - and is an accumulation, rather than a single event. Sometimes it can be difficult to recognise individual occurrences of gaslighting.

Gaslighting can include a mix of:

Lying through omission: eg: “We never discussed being exclusive” - when you discover they are seeing other people, while being in a relationship with you.
Minimising experiences or invalidating emotions: eg: “you have nothing to be upset about, the way you’re feeling is illogical” - when you tell them something they (or someone else) has done, has caused you upset, hurt, or discomfort.
Redirecting blame: eg: “you're twisting my words” - when you have repeated verbatim, or your memory of, what they said.
Veiled threats to end the relationship: when things don’t go their way.
Coercion: either through threats, force, punishment, stonewalling (the silent treatment), or convincing you that you are a bad person if you don’t do what they want you to.
Backhanded compliments: eg: “Your Instagram makes you seem so fun!” - leaving you feeling hurt and confused.
Scapegoating: projecting blame for something onto you, so the gaslighter can escape the repercussions of taking accountability.
Inference: making a suggestion that can later be denied, but without saying or doing it explicitly, making it hard for you to challenge the gaslighter's behaviour.
Reality questioning: eg: telling you a traumatic event never happened - causing self-doubt by insisting you are misremembering things.
Trivialising: eg: “you’re so lucky to have been offered that job” - downplaying your emotions and experiences (instead of acknowledging them) or accomplishments (instead of recognising the effort you’ve put in).
Encouraging emotional responsibility towards others: eg: “they'll be devastated if you don't come” or “mummy will be upset if you tell her” - moving the focus away from your experience, onto an obligation they suggest you hold towards another.
Moving the goalposts: creating a situation in which you can never “get it right”.
Selective truth-telling: Including elements of truth, but leaving out the parts that matter to the outcome.
Weaponised incompetence: deliberate incompetence, or pretending they ‘don’t understand’ something simple (that inconveniences or causes harm to you), despite having a high level of intelligence and capability.
Hurtful “jokes” (at your expense): but if you challenge it, you can’t take a joke!
Bait & switch: setting you up to fail, and then criticising the failure as a character flaw.
Straw man argument: creating a false argument by misrepresenting your perspective, claiming the misrepresentation they create is the “real” argument, and drawing attention away from your concerns.
Recruiting flying monkeys: A reference to the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, gaslighters will often recruit “flying monkeys” - other people close to you, who they manipulate to reinforce their perspective over yours.

These small events can be very difficult to challenge or recognise in isolation - particularly if they occur alongside the gaslighter insisting you are “too sensitive”. Sometimes, recognising that you have been abused, or are being abused, is a stage of processing and healing from gaslighting. If you know someone who is being gaslit, it’s worth bearing in mind that it may take them a while to recognise what they’re experiencing - they have been primed to trust the gaslighter’s version of events over their own reality, and may not be ready to see the truth.

If you’ve been gaslit, you’ve been taught that your feelings aren’t valid unless you can defend them. You may routinely over explain the decisions you make and the feelings you experience, it can take a long time to feel safe enough to know that this isn’t necessary.

If you have experienced gaslighting, you might:

Defend the gaslighter, believing that you are the problem. You may feel as though you are doing something ‘wrong’ if you identify the gaslighter’s bad behaviour or describe the impact it has had on you.
Lose self-confidence, or notice self-doubt. Your self-worth may be very low, and you may have trouble trusting your instincts.
Have difficulty decision making - and seek validation, guidance and reassurance from others in relation to all decisions, even if they are relatively small.
Experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, or CPTSD.
Experience mild dissociation (a feeling of disconnection from yourself and the world around you).
Believe you are being “aggressive” when you assert yourself.
Have people-pleasing tendencies, struggle to set boundaries or speak your mind.
Have traits of perfectionism. You may feel upset or distressed when you make minor mistakes - this can become a source of shame. You may feel scared of making mistakes in any area of life, and might be very hard on yourself.
Over-explain your feelings or decisions.
Find it difficult to feel anger, or any ‘unpalatable’ emotions.
Believe that you are the problem in every situation - this may persist as a ‘felt belief’ beyond the cognitive understanding that you are not at fault.
Be conflict avoidant.
Have a “fawn” response - automatically appeasing others if you think they might be upset with you.
Realise that you gaslight yourself too - it’s not uncommon for gaslighting to become an internalised experience.
Have issues with interoception (difficulty recognising and understanding the physical sensations you feel in your body).

Recovering from gaslighting is slow work, and with chronic gaslighting - the recovery can sometimes involve collective healing (eg: the friends and family who were recruited as flying monkeys - if they have gained awareness of this, coming to terms with their role in your abuse, as well as their own experience of manipulation). Other times, you may have gained awareness, while the ‘flying monkeys’ continue to be taken in. Due to the relational nature of gaslighting, therapy can be a really helpful part of your recovery - the relationship between counsellor and client is known to be a foundational part of every therapeutic process, and having a space where you know you will be heard and believed can, in itself, be transformative. Recovery from chronic gaslighting involves gradually working towards re-attunement with yourself, cultivating self-trust, and sometimes learning to feel safe again. There are many ways to do this, but there’s no way to rush this process, and a therapist who is the right fit for you, will help you to discover the best approach for you as an individual.